Tag: sofa

Furlough Film Studio’s premiere nights are among the most important events on the calendar. They are also among the least understood, and we receive many questions. Here are the answers.

What time does the premiere begin?

The doors open at 7 PM. The film begins when everyone has found a seat and then moved. In practice, this means 8:40.

Is there a red carpet?

Yes. It is a red blanket laid across the corridor, and it is warm, soft and extremely popular. Arrivals are encouraged to walk down it slowly, kneading as they go. Any guest who sits down on the red carpet will be photographed, and will be the only photograph used.

What should I wear?

Anything. We encourage formal wear, but we also encourage nudity. Fur is perfectly acceptable at all times and is, in fact, the dress code.

Where do I sit?

The seating plan is as follows.

• The front row is reserved for cats who sit close to the screen and then complain about the glare
• The middle rows are for cats who want a good view and a good snooze
• The back row is for cats who intend to leave early
• The sofa at the side is for the director, and for whoever arrived first

Will there be snacks?

There will be snacks. They will be fish, mostly, with a few biscuits for the dogs. There will also be popcorn, which is for throwing.

Can I bring a guest?

You may bring one guest. If your guest is a dog, you must also bring an apology.

How long is the film?

Three hours, forty minutes, with an intermission. There is no interval between the intermission and the nap that follows.

What is the film about?

The film is about a cat on a sofa. It is a story of loss, love, and the slow passage of the sun across a cushion. It is very moving, especially at the end, when the cat moves.

Will there be a Q and A?

Yes, immediately after the screening. The director will answer questions from the audience, in the form of a slow blink. If you have a question, raise a paw. If you have an answer, please do not.

What if I do not like the film?

Please do not tell us. Please tell the critic, Mr. Hiss, who will agree with you.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company. This premiere is imaginary, and you are very welcome to attend.

One of the most memorable scenes in our film Curtain Call was the Great Curtain Climb, a dramatic ascent filmed in a single take by a stunt cat known only as Zig. This is the story of how it was done.

Preparation

Stunt work begins with safety. Our stunt coordinator, a one eyed Siamese named Captain Zoomer, inspected the curtain, the rail, and the floor beneath. He found the curtain to be heavy, the rail to be loose, and the floor to be underneath. He signed off at once.

The rig

We did not use wires, because we did not have any. We used the following equipment instead:

• A large cushion at the base of the curtain, in case of a fall
• A smaller cushion at the base of the large cushion, in case of a fall from the large cushion
• A tin of fish held at the top by a crew member on a stool, as motivation
• A blanket draped over the rail, to prevent the curtain from collapsing before the end of the take

The technique

Zig began on the floor, looked up and froze for eleven seconds. This was not planned, but it looked excellent on camera. He then jumped onto the curtain with all four paws and began to climb, stopping every third step to ask himself what he was doing.

At the halfway point, the curtain began to sway. Zig reacted instantly by climbing faster. This increased the sway. He reacted by climbing faster still. The camera crew, led by Gaffer Gary, applauded.

The summit

Zig reached the top of the curtain after thirty seconds. He sat on the rail, surveyed the room, and gave a small, victorious meow. There was only one problem: he had not planned how to get down.

The descent

The descent was less glamorous. Zig clung to the curtain and slid downwards, in a long, loud, ripping motion, and landed on the cushion. He stood up. He licked a paw. He walked off set as though nothing had happened.

Aftermath

The curtain was removed from the set and is now on display in our lobby, labelled “Historic Damage.” Zig has retired from stunt work and now teaches climbing at the local nursery, where he is described as an inspiration and a risk.

Safety notice

No viewer should attempt a curtain climb at home. If you do, please be aware that the curtain will not forgive you, and nor will the person who owns it.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company. This account is invented, though the curtain is based on a real one that lost.

My name is Gaffer Gary and I am in charge of light. I have been in charge of light at Furlough Film Studio for four years, and I have been in charge of the sunbeam for longer than that. In this guide I will explain what I know, which is mostly where the sun is.

Principle one: Use the sun

The sun is the best light source ever invented. It is free, it is warm, and it moves in a predictable arc, ending up on the sofa at 2 PM. Many directors ask me to fake the sun with lamps. I say no. I say the sun is already faking itself.

Principle two: Know your window

Our studio window faces south east. This means that the best light arrives in the morning, a good light arrives at noon, and a very dramatic light arrives at 4 PM, when the sofa glows like a loaf of bread. Plan your schedule around these times. If you cannot, plan around your nap.

Principle three: The three point lighting setup

Professional crews use three lights: key, fill and back. We use one sunbeam, one lamp and one spot on the floor. The sunbeam is the key. The lamp is the fill. The spot on the floor is the back, since that is where the cat is.

Equipment list

• One window, large
• One lamp, shaded, positioned so that it is nearly knocked over
• One piece of foil, to bounce light, and to be chased
• One curtain, to control the light, and to be climbed
• One tail, for shadows

Creating mood

Mood comes from contrast. A bright sunbeam against a dark corner makes a cat look mysterious. A cat sitting entirely in shadow looks like a rumour. A cat sitting half in and half out of the light looks as though she has just made an important decision.

Common mistakes

Do not point the lamp directly at the actor. Do not hang the foil above the actor, unless you wish to lose the actor. Do not allow the curtain to swing during the take. Do not allow Gaffer Gary to fall asleep in the shot.

A word of warning

Light changes quickly. A scene that looks perfect at two will look terrible at ten past, when a cloud arrives. If this happens, do not panic. Wait for the cloud to leave. Wait for another. Wait until it is time for dinner.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional production company, and this guide is a parody. Please do not use it to light anything real, particularly a fish.

Furlough Film Studio is pleased to announce an open casting call for the lead role in our upcoming production, The Warm Patch. Auditions will be held on the sofa, at an hour of the actor’s choosing.

The role

The lead is a cat who lies on a warm patch of carpet for the entire length of the film. The character has no name, no motive and no lines. He is described in the script as “a cat in a state of being.” The ideal actor will bring depth, vulnerability and a very low heart rate.

Requirements

• Must be able to lie down for extended periods
• Must be willing to be filmed from below
• Must not react to the sound of a tin opening, unless required by the scene
• Must have a good side, and a second side, in case the first falls asleep
• Must be comfortable with being watched, ignored or both

Preferred qualities

We are keen to hear from actors with experience in staring out of windows, sulking after a bath, or sitting on a newspaper while a human tries to read it. These skills are highly transferable.

What we do not want

Please do not apply if you are prone to sudden dashing around at three in the morning, as this would require a stunt double, and we have already used our budget for the cushion. Applicants who scratch the set will be thanked and ushered out.

The audition process

Each applicant will be invited to enter the room, walk slowly to the centre, turn around three times, and lie down. Our panel will then observe the applicant for between twenty minutes and four hours. The panel will not speak. The applicant will not speak. At the end, the panel will go to sleep, and the applicant will be notified of the outcome by whichever party wakes up first.

Compensation

The role pays one tin of premium fish per day, a spot on the sunniest cushion, and the right to make one request of the catering department, subject to availability.

How to apply

Send a photograph of yourself lying down, along with a short statement describing why you wish to appear in the film. Statements should be no more than one sentence long. Longer statements will not be read.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company and this casting call is a parody. No roles are available, although the warm patch is very real.

There is a chair on every film set. It has a canvas back, a folding frame, and the director’s name on it in large letters. At Furlough Film Studio this chair is the most contested object in the building, and it has never once been used by a director.

The history of the chair

The chair arrived in our office on the first day of production, a gift from a supplier who wished us well. Orson Whiskerton, our founder, approached it with great ceremony. He walked around it twice. He sniffed the seat. He climbed in. Within four minutes he was asleep, and a new tradition was born.

Why cats love it

There are several reasons why cats are drawn to the director’s chair.

• It is raised off the floor, offering a view of the entire set
• It is slightly unsteady, which is exciting
• It carries the scent of authority, which is mainly Orson
• It is canvas, which is excellent for kneading
• It has a name on it, and a cat enjoys being mistaken for someone important

The rules

To avoid conflict, we have introduced a set of rules.

1. The chair belongs to whoever is in it
2. A cat that leaves the chair for any reason loses the chair
3. A cat that returns to the chair finds another cat in it
4. This is the director’s fault

Directing from the chair

On the rare occasions when a decision is required, Orson gives his orders from the chair. These are usually delivered in the form of a slow blink, which the crew interprets as “carry on.” Some interpret it as “I have no idea.” Both are valid readings of the situation.

A day in the life

At 6 AM the chair is empty. At 6:05, Gaffer Gary is in it. At 6:30, Fluffy Coppola has pushed him out and taken the seat. At 8, the whole crew is gathered around, waiting for a decision, and the chair holds two cats and a sleeping hat.

What the chair teaches us

The director’s chair teaches us that authority is not a position but a posture. It is the manner in which you sit, the angle of your tail, and the firmness with which you refuse to be moved. By this measure, every cat in the studio is a director, and none of them is making a film.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company. The chair is real, in that it exists in our imagination and sags in the middle.

We are not a studio that responds to critics. We are a studio that responds to snacks. However, a recent review of our film Sunbeam Over Sofa made such a strong impression on us that we feel obliged to say something, and the something is a detailed analysis of the critic.

The review

Sunbeam Over Sofa is a film in which nothing happens, slowly. The camera does not move. The actors do not move. The plot does not move. If cinema is the art of motion, this is the art of a cushion. One star. Possibly less. Possibly a nap. Reviewed by Mr. Thaddeus Hiss, Critic

Our response

First, we would like to thank Mr. Hiss for watching the whole film. We know this because he was seen sleeping in the third row. He did not sleep out of boredom. He slept out of respect.

Second, we would like to correct a number of factual errors.

• The camera did move. It was nudged by Gaffer Gary at the forty minute mark
• The actors did move. The lead moved his tail, twice
• The plot did move. It moved from the left of the sofa to the right, during the intermission, while nobody was looking

A critical analysis of the critic

Mr. Hiss has been writing for over eleven years. In that time he has given sixty two films one star, and three films two stars. He has given no film three stars, which suggests either a strict code or a deeply held grudge. We note that two of his two star reviews were for films about fish, and that he is allergic to fish.

His own work includes a short documentary about a hallway. It is eighteen minutes long and features a single clock. We found it moving, in that we moved out of the cinema.

What the film really says

Sunbeam Over Sofa is not about a sunbeam. It is not about a sofa. It is about the relationship between a creature and its comfort. It is about the quiet dignity of staying put. It is about a Wednesday.

Our rating of the critic

We have given Mr. Hiss one star. He may appeal in writing, but not before Thursday.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company, and this exchange is a parody. Any resemblance to actual critics, actual sofas or actual Wednesdays is entirely intentional.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Furlough Film Studio today announced the production of Another Long Nap, the sequel to its critically ignored debut The Long Nap. The new film will once again be shot entirely from the sofa, and will once again star a cat lying down.

“Audiences love a sequel,” said founder Orson Whiskerton, from a position of near horizontal calm. “They love to see what they have already seen, but with a slightly better view. In Another Long Nap, the cat will lie on the left cushion instead of the right. We believe this is the biggest creative risk in the history of motion pictures.”

What is new

• A new cushion, wider and better stuffed
• A second sunbeam, which arrives at 2 PM and is expected to steal the show
• A cameo by the vacuum cleaner, now with its own agent
• A brief scene in which the cat considers moving, then decides against it
• A longer running time of three hours and forty minutes, including intermission

Returning cast

Orson’s lead actor, a mysterious grey cat known only as “The Lump”, returns to the role of the cat. His rate is one tin per scene, and one extra for the nap. His agent, a small energetic cat named Biscuit, has described the actor as “committed to stillness in a way that frightens me.”

Production notes

Principal photography will begin as soon as the sunbeam arrives and conclude when it leaves. Filming will take place in a single afternoon, or a single week, depending on whether anyone remembers to press record.

Producer Fluffy Coppola said the budget had been raised by thirty percent to account for rising costs. “That is two extra biscuits,” she explained, “and a rug.”

A message from the director

“I am extremely excited to bring this story back to the screen,” said Orson. “I am equally excited to lie on a sofa and watch it be made. I should add that I have not read the script, because there is no script, and because I have lost the pen.”

About Furlough Film Studio

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional cinema company producing epic films from the comfort of the sofa. Our motto is “Epic cinema, shot entirely from the sofa.” Our films have won no awards, and we are very proud of that.

Press enquiries should be sent to Biscuit, who will respond if the question contains fish.

Every film starts with an idea. Ours began with a cushion. This is the story of how our board came to approve The Long Nap, a three hour epic in which a cat falls asleep on a sofa and wakes up in a slightly different position.

The room

The meeting was held in the Boardroom, which is also the Sofa. Present were our founder and director Orson Whiskerton, a stately tabby with an air of tired genius; producer Fluffy Coppola, a cream Persian who asks few questions and eats the answers; and Gaffer Gary, a black cat in charge of the sunbeam, who attended from the windowsill.

The pitch

Orson began by laying out his vision. “The film opens on a sofa,” he said. “Nothing happens for ten minutes. Then a cat arrives. The cat turns around three times. The cat lies down. We hold on the cat for the next two hours and forty minutes.”

There was a long silence. It was the silence of a room full of professionals who had seen something very similar before and wanted to see it again.

Objections

Fluffy Coppola raised several concerns.

• Would there be a plot? Orson said the plot was the sofa.
• Would there be a villain? Orson said the villain was the vacuum cleaner, which would appear in a single frame near the end and be hissed at.
• Would there be a love story? Orson said the love story was between the cat and the warm patch.
• Would there be a soundtrack? Orson said there would be purring, mixed at seventy decibels.

The vote

The motion to approve was carried by a majority of two to nothing, with one abstention from Gaffer Gary, who had gone to sleep during the second hour of the vote.

Budget

The film was budgeted at twelve tins of fish and a decent cushion. The cushion was eventually supplied by the director himself, who has stated that he will not be paid and will not be moved.

Why we believe in it

The Long Nap is not a story about sleep. It is a story about what happens when we stop trying to do anything at all. We believe audiences everywhere, and especially those of the cat variety, will understand it instinctively.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional production company shooting entirely from the sofa. No actual films are produced and no actual cushions were harmed in the making of this meeting.