Tag: casting

TO: All cast and crew
FROM: Fluffy Coppola, Producer
RE: The fish table

It has come to my attention that the catering table has been used in ways that were not intended. I am writing to clarify the rules, which are simple, fair and enforced by me.

Hours of service

The fish table will be open at the following times:

• Breakfast, from 5 AM until 5:15 AM
• Second breakfast, from 7 AM until whenever
• Elevenses, which is not a meal but a feeling
• Lunch, from noon until the fish is gone
• Afternoon tea, from 3 PM until the milk is gone
• Dinner, from 6 PM
• The late snack, which does not exist and has been banned

Who may eat

Cast members may eat first. Crew members may eat second. Directors may eat when they wake. Extras may eat whatever is on the floor.

Prohibited behaviour

Several incidents have occurred which I would like to put on record.

• A cat was seen carrying a whole salmon under the table. He claimed that the salmon was an extra and asked for a credit.
• A second cat was found asleep in the cheese tray. He was moved, but the cheese has not recovered.
• A third cat sat on the table and said nothing. She was there for six hours. She was not eating. She was simply watching others eat, and that is unacceptable.

Special dietary requirements

We accommodate all dietary needs. We offer a fish option, a chicken option, a no fish option, which is chicken, and a vegetarian option, which is the garnish. If you have a different requirement, please submit it in writing.

Clearing up

All plates should be returned to the washing area. Plates should not be licked clean and left. Plates should not be left on the director’s chair. Plates should certainly not be used as a hat.

A final word

A well fed crew is a happy crew. A happy crew makes better films. A better film wins awards. Awards can be eaten if they are made of chocolate. I rest my case, and also my head.

Yours,

Fluffy Coppola

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company, and this memo is entirely invented. The salmon has not been seen since.

Furlough Film Studio is pleased to announce an open casting call for the lead role in our upcoming production, The Warm Patch. Auditions will be held on the sofa, at an hour of the actor’s choosing.

The role

The lead is a cat who lies on a warm patch of carpet for the entire length of the film. The character has no name, no motive and no lines. He is described in the script as “a cat in a state of being.” The ideal actor will bring depth, vulnerability and a very low heart rate.

Requirements

• Must be able to lie down for extended periods
• Must be willing to be filmed from below
• Must not react to the sound of a tin opening, unless required by the scene
• Must have a good side, and a second side, in case the first falls asleep
• Must be comfortable with being watched, ignored or both

Preferred qualities

We are keen to hear from actors with experience in staring out of windows, sulking after a bath, or sitting on a newspaper while a human tries to read it. These skills are highly transferable.

What we do not want

Please do not apply if you are prone to sudden dashing around at three in the morning, as this would require a stunt double, and we have already used our budget for the cushion. Applicants who scratch the set will be thanked and ushered out.

The audition process

Each applicant will be invited to enter the room, walk slowly to the centre, turn around three times, and lie down. Our panel will then observe the applicant for between twenty minutes and four hours. The panel will not speak. The applicant will not speak. At the end, the panel will go to sleep, and the applicant will be notified of the outcome by whichever party wakes up first.

Compensation

The role pays one tin of premium fish per day, a spot on the sunniest cushion, and the right to make one request of the catering department, subject to availability.

How to apply

Send a photograph of yourself lying down, along with a short statement describing why you wish to appear in the film. Statements should be no more than one sentence long. Longer statements will not be read.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company and this casting call is a parody. No roles are available, although the warm patch is very real.