Category: Industry Notices

Furlough Film Studio’s premiere nights are among the most important events on the calendar. They are also among the least understood, and we receive many questions. Here are the answers.

What time does the premiere begin?

The doors open at 7 PM. The film begins when everyone has found a seat and then moved. In practice, this means 8:40.

Is there a red carpet?

Yes. It is a red blanket laid across the corridor, and it is warm, soft and extremely popular. Arrivals are encouraged to walk down it slowly, kneading as they go. Any guest who sits down on the red carpet will be photographed, and will be the only photograph used.

What should I wear?

Anything. We encourage formal wear, but we also encourage nudity. Fur is perfectly acceptable at all times and is, in fact, the dress code.

Where do I sit?

The seating plan is as follows.

• The front row is reserved for cats who sit close to the screen and then complain about the glare
• The middle rows are for cats who want a good view and a good snooze
• The back row is for cats who intend to leave early
• The sofa at the side is for the director, and for whoever arrived first

Will there be snacks?

There will be snacks. They will be fish, mostly, with a few biscuits for the dogs. There will also be popcorn, which is for throwing.

Can I bring a guest?

You may bring one guest. If your guest is a dog, you must also bring an apology.

How long is the film?

Three hours, forty minutes, with an intermission. There is no interval between the intermission and the nap that follows.

What is the film about?

The film is about a cat on a sofa. It is a story of loss, love, and the slow passage of the sun across a cushion. It is very moving, especially at the end, when the cat moves.

Will there be a Q and A?

Yes, immediately after the screening. The director will answer questions from the audience, in the form of a slow blink. If you have a question, raise a paw. If you have an answer, please do not.

What if I do not like the film?

Please do not tell us. Please tell the critic, Mr. Hiss, who will agree with you.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company. This premiere is imaginary, and you are very welcome to attend.

TO: All cast and crew
FROM: Fluffy Coppola, Producer
RE: The fish table

It has come to my attention that the catering table has been used in ways that were not intended. I am writing to clarify the rules, which are simple, fair and enforced by me.

Hours of service

The fish table will be open at the following times:

• Breakfast, from 5 AM until 5:15 AM
• Second breakfast, from 7 AM until whenever
• Elevenses, which is not a meal but a feeling
• Lunch, from noon until the fish is gone
• Afternoon tea, from 3 PM until the milk is gone
• Dinner, from 6 PM
• The late snack, which does not exist and has been banned

Who may eat

Cast members may eat first. Crew members may eat second. Directors may eat when they wake. Extras may eat whatever is on the floor.

Prohibited behaviour

Several incidents have occurred which I would like to put on record.

• A cat was seen carrying a whole salmon under the table. He claimed that the salmon was an extra and asked for a credit.
• A second cat was found asleep in the cheese tray. He was moved, but the cheese has not recovered.
• A third cat sat on the table and said nothing. She was there for six hours. She was not eating. She was simply watching others eat, and that is unacceptable.

Special dietary requirements

We accommodate all dietary needs. We offer a fish option, a chicken option, a no fish option, which is chicken, and a vegetarian option, which is the garnish. If you have a different requirement, please submit it in writing.

Clearing up

All plates should be returned to the washing area. Plates should not be licked clean and left. Plates should not be left on the director’s chair. Plates should certainly not be used as a hat.

A final word

A well fed crew is a happy crew. A happy crew makes better films. A better film wins awards. Awards can be eaten if they are made of chocolate. I rest my case, and also my head.

Yours,

Fluffy Coppola

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company, and this memo is entirely invented. The salmon has not been seen since.

Furlough Film Studio is pleased to announce an open casting call for the lead role in our upcoming production, The Warm Patch. Auditions will be held on the sofa, at an hour of the actor’s choosing.

The role

The lead is a cat who lies on a warm patch of carpet for the entire length of the film. The character has no name, no motive and no lines. He is described in the script as “a cat in a state of being.” The ideal actor will bring depth, vulnerability and a very low heart rate.

Requirements

• Must be able to lie down for extended periods
• Must be willing to be filmed from below
• Must not react to the sound of a tin opening, unless required by the scene
• Must have a good side, and a second side, in case the first falls asleep
• Must be comfortable with being watched, ignored or both

Preferred qualities

We are keen to hear from actors with experience in staring out of windows, sulking after a bath, or sitting on a newspaper while a human tries to read it. These skills are highly transferable.

What we do not want

Please do not apply if you are prone to sudden dashing around at three in the morning, as this would require a stunt double, and we have already used our budget for the cushion. Applicants who scratch the set will be thanked and ushered out.

The audition process

Each applicant will be invited to enter the room, walk slowly to the centre, turn around three times, and lie down. Our panel will then observe the applicant for between twenty minutes and four hours. The panel will not speak. The applicant will not speak. At the end, the panel will go to sleep, and the applicant will be notified of the outcome by whichever party wakes up first.

Compensation

The role pays one tin of premium fish per day, a spot on the sunniest cushion, and the right to make one request of the catering department, subject to availability.

How to apply

Send a photograph of yourself lying down, along with a short statement describing why you wish to appear in the film. Statements should be no more than one sentence long. Longer statements will not be read.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company and this casting call is a parody. No roles are available, although the warm patch is very real.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Furlough Film Studio today announced the production of Another Long Nap, the sequel to its critically ignored debut The Long Nap. The new film will once again be shot entirely from the sofa, and will once again star a cat lying down.

“Audiences love a sequel,” said founder Orson Whiskerton, from a position of near horizontal calm. “They love to see what they have already seen, but with a slightly better view. In Another Long Nap, the cat will lie on the left cushion instead of the right. We believe this is the biggest creative risk in the history of motion pictures.”

What is new

• A new cushion, wider and better stuffed
• A second sunbeam, which arrives at 2 PM and is expected to steal the show
• A cameo by the vacuum cleaner, now with its own agent
• A brief scene in which the cat considers moving, then decides against it
• A longer running time of three hours and forty minutes, including intermission

Returning cast

Orson’s lead actor, a mysterious grey cat known only as “The Lump”, returns to the role of the cat. His rate is one tin per scene, and one extra for the nap. His agent, a small energetic cat named Biscuit, has described the actor as “committed to stillness in a way that frightens me.”

Production notes

Principal photography will begin as soon as the sunbeam arrives and conclude when it leaves. Filming will take place in a single afternoon, or a single week, depending on whether anyone remembers to press record.

Producer Fluffy Coppola said the budget had been raised by thirty percent to account for rising costs. “That is two extra biscuits,” she explained, “and a rug.”

A message from the director

“I am extremely excited to bring this story back to the screen,” said Orson. “I am equally excited to lie on a sofa and watch it be made. I should add that I have not read the script, because there is no script, and because I have lost the pen.”

About Furlough Film Studio

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional cinema company producing epic films from the comfort of the sofa. Our motto is “Epic cinema, shot entirely from the sofa.” Our films have won no awards, and we are very proud of that.

Press enquiries should be sent to Biscuit, who will respond if the question contains fish.