We are not a studio that responds to critics. We are a studio that responds to snacks. However, a recent review of our film Sunbeam Over Sofa made such a strong impression on us that we feel obliged to say something, and the something is a detailed analysis of the critic.
The review
Sunbeam Over Sofa is a film in which nothing happens, slowly. The camera does not move. The actors do not move. The plot does not move. If cinema is the art of motion, this is the art of a cushion. One star. Possibly less. Possibly a nap. Reviewed by Mr. Thaddeus Hiss, Critic
Our response
First, we would like to thank Mr. Hiss for watching the whole film. We know this because he was seen sleeping in the third row. He did not sleep out of boredom. He slept out of respect.
Second, we would like to correct a number of factual errors.
- The camera did move. It was nudged by Gaffer Gary at the forty minute mark
- The actors did move. The lead moved his tail, twice
- The plot did move. It moved from the left of the sofa to the right, during the intermission, while nobody was looking
A critical analysis of the critic
Mr. Hiss has been writing for over eleven years. In that time he has given sixty two films one star, and three films two stars. He has given no film three stars, which suggests either a strict code or a deeply held grudge. We note that two of his two star reviews were for films about fish, and that he is allergic to fish.
His own work includes a short documentary about a hallway. It is eighteen minutes long and features a single clock. We found it moving, in that we moved out of the cinema.
What the film really says
Sunbeam Over Sofa is not about a sunbeam. It is not about a sofa. It is about the relationship between a creature and its comfort. It is about the quiet dignity of staying put. It is about a Wednesday.
Our rating of the critic
We have given Mr. Hiss one star. He may appeal in writing, but not before Thursday.
Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company, and this exchange is a parody. Any resemblance to actual critics, actual sofas or actual Wednesdays is entirely intentional.