Tag: script

Great films are made in the editing room, where the director sits with an editor and decides what the audience will never see. At Furlough Film Studio the editing room is also the cupboard, which makes decisions faster and the lighting worse. Here are seven scenes that did not make the cut.

Scene one: The long stare at the wall

In this scene, our lead looks at a wall for eleven minutes. It was cut because the wall gave a better performance than the actor. The wall has asked for a credit.

Scene two: The chase

A chase sequence in which a cat pursues a moth across the sofa. It was cut because the moth was the better athlete, and because the cat gave up after four seconds and sat down for what felt like the rest of the film.

Scene three: The confrontation

Two cats square up in the hallway, tails fluffed, eyes narrowed. After a tense minute they both walk away in opposite directions. It was cut because it was too realistic.

Scene four: The dream sequence

A sequence in which our lead dreams of flying over a vast landscape of cushions. It was cut because the dream was longer than the film.

Scene five: The monologue

Orson wrote a three page monologue about the nature of comfort. It was cut when the only actor available fell asleep on the third line.

Scene six: The kiss

A romantic moment between two cats ended in a fight over a blanket. It was cut because it was too romantic.

Scene seven: The credits

The original credits ran for forty minutes and listed every cat who had ever walked past the set. They were cut for time, and because Biscuit noticed that his name was misspelled.

What remains

After all the cuts, the film runs to three hours and forty minutes. We think it is still too long. We think it is also too short. The editing room cat, a grey tabby named Splice, has declared the film “finished for now.”

Lessons

Editing teaches us that the most important thing is not what you include but what you leave out. In our case, this was nearly everything, and the result is a masterpiece of absence.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company, and none of these scenes were filmed, although we would have loved to see them.

Furlough Film Studio is pleased to announce an open casting call for the lead role in our upcoming production, The Warm Patch. Auditions will be held on the sofa, at an hour of the actor’s choosing.

The role

The lead is a cat who lies on a warm patch of carpet for the entire length of the film. The character has no name, no motive and no lines. He is described in the script as “a cat in a state of being.” The ideal actor will bring depth, vulnerability and a very low heart rate.

Requirements

• Must be able to lie down for extended periods
• Must be willing to be filmed from below
• Must not react to the sound of a tin opening, unless required by the scene
• Must have a good side, and a second side, in case the first falls asleep
• Must be comfortable with being watched, ignored or both

Preferred qualities

We are keen to hear from actors with experience in staring out of windows, sulking after a bath, or sitting on a newspaper while a human tries to read it. These skills are highly transferable.

What we do not want

Please do not apply if you are prone to sudden dashing around at three in the morning, as this would require a stunt double, and we have already used our budget for the cushion. Applicants who scratch the set will be thanked and ushered out.

The audition process

Each applicant will be invited to enter the room, walk slowly to the centre, turn around three times, and lie down. Our panel will then observe the applicant for between twenty minutes and four hours. The panel will not speak. The applicant will not speak. At the end, the panel will go to sleep, and the applicant will be notified of the outcome by whichever party wakes up first.

Compensation

The role pays one tin of premium fish per day, a spot on the sunniest cushion, and the right to make one request of the catering department, subject to availability.

How to apply

Send a photograph of yourself lying down, along with a short statement describing why you wish to appear in the film. Statements should be no more than one sentence long. Longer statements will not be read.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company and this casting call is a parody. No roles are available, although the warm patch is very real.

We are not a studio that responds to critics. We are a studio that responds to snacks. However, a recent review of our film Sunbeam Over Sofa made such a strong impression on us that we feel obliged to say something, and the something is a detailed analysis of the critic.

The review

Sunbeam Over Sofa is a film in which nothing happens, slowly. The camera does not move. The actors do not move. The plot does not move. If cinema is the art of motion, this is the art of a cushion. One star. Possibly less. Possibly a nap. Reviewed by Mr. Thaddeus Hiss, Critic

Our response

First, we would like to thank Mr. Hiss for watching the whole film. We know this because he was seen sleeping in the third row. He did not sleep out of boredom. He slept out of respect.

Second, we would like to correct a number of factual errors.

• The camera did move. It was nudged by Gaffer Gary at the forty minute mark
• The actors did move. The lead moved his tail, twice
• The plot did move. It moved from the left of the sofa to the right, during the intermission, while nobody was looking

A critical analysis of the critic

Mr. Hiss has been writing for over eleven years. In that time he has given sixty two films one star, and three films two stars. He has given no film three stars, which suggests either a strict code or a deeply held grudge. We note that two of his two star reviews were for films about fish, and that he is allergic to fish.

His own work includes a short documentary about a hallway. It is eighteen minutes long and features a single clock. We found it moving, in that we moved out of the cinema.

What the film really says

Sunbeam Over Sofa is not about a sunbeam. It is not about a sofa. It is about the relationship between a creature and its comfort. It is about the quiet dignity of staying put. It is about a Wednesday.

Our rating of the critic

We have given Mr. Hiss one star. He may appeal in writing, but not before Thursday.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company, and this exchange is a parody. Any resemblance to actual critics, actual sofas or actual Wednesdays is entirely intentional.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Furlough Film Studio today announced the production of Another Long Nap, the sequel to its critically ignored debut The Long Nap. The new film will once again be shot entirely from the sofa, and will once again star a cat lying down.

“Audiences love a sequel,” said founder Orson Whiskerton, from a position of near horizontal calm. “They love to see what they have already seen, but with a slightly better view. In Another Long Nap, the cat will lie on the left cushion instead of the right. We believe this is the biggest creative risk in the history of motion pictures.”

What is new

• A new cushion, wider and better stuffed
• A second sunbeam, which arrives at 2 PM and is expected to steal the show
• A cameo by the vacuum cleaner, now with its own agent
• A brief scene in which the cat considers moving, then decides against it
• A longer running time of three hours and forty minutes, including intermission

Returning cast

Orson’s lead actor, a mysterious grey cat known only as “The Lump”, returns to the role of the cat. His rate is one tin per scene, and one extra for the nap. His agent, a small energetic cat named Biscuit, has described the actor as “committed to stillness in a way that frightens me.”

Production notes

Principal photography will begin as soon as the sunbeam arrives and conclude when it leaves. Filming will take place in a single afternoon, or a single week, depending on whether anyone remembers to press record.

Producer Fluffy Coppola said the budget had been raised by thirty percent to account for rising costs. “That is two extra biscuits,” she explained, “and a rug.”

A message from the director

“I am extremely excited to bring this story back to the screen,” said Orson. “I am equally excited to lie on a sofa and watch it be made. I should add that I have not read the script, because there is no script, and because I have lost the pen.”

About Furlough Film Studio

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional cinema company producing epic films from the comfort of the sofa. Our motto is “Epic cinema, shot entirely from the sofa.” Our films have won no awards, and we are very proud of that.

Press enquiries should be sent to Biscuit, who will respond if the question contains fish.