Tag: editing

Great films are made in the editing room, where the director sits with an editor and decides what the audience will never see. At Furlough Film Studio the editing room is also the cupboard, which makes decisions faster and the lighting worse. Here are seven scenes that did not make the cut.

Scene one: The long stare at the wall

In this scene, our lead looks at a wall for eleven minutes. It was cut because the wall gave a better performance than the actor. The wall has asked for a credit.

Scene two: The chase

A chase sequence in which a cat pursues a moth across the sofa. It was cut because the moth was the better athlete, and because the cat gave up after four seconds and sat down for what felt like the rest of the film.

Scene three: The confrontation

Two cats square up in the hallway, tails fluffed, eyes narrowed. After a tense minute they both walk away in opposite directions. It was cut because it was too realistic.

Scene four: The dream sequence

A sequence in which our lead dreams of flying over a vast landscape of cushions. It was cut because the dream was longer than the film.

Scene five: The monologue

Orson wrote a three page monologue about the nature of comfort. It was cut when the only actor available fell asleep on the third line.

Scene six: The kiss

A romantic moment between two cats ended in a fight over a blanket. It was cut because it was too romantic.

Scene seven: The credits

The original credits ran for forty minutes and listed every cat who had ever walked past the set. They were cut for time, and because Biscuit noticed that his name was misspelled.

What remains

After all the cuts, the film runs to three hours and forty minutes. We think it is still too long. We think it is also too short. The editing room cat, a grey tabby named Splice, has declared the film “finished for now.”

Lessons

Editing teaches us that the most important thing is not what you include but what you leave out. In our case, this was nearly everything, and the result is a masterpiece of absence.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company, and none of these scenes were filmed, although we would have loved to see them.

TO: All cast and crew
FROM: Fluffy Coppola, Producer
RE: The fish table

It has come to my attention that the catering table has been used in ways that were not intended. I am writing to clarify the rules, which are simple, fair and enforced by me.

Hours of service

The fish table will be open at the following times:

• Breakfast, from 5 AM until 5:15 AM
• Second breakfast, from 7 AM until whenever
• Elevenses, which is not a meal but a feeling
• Lunch, from noon until the fish is gone
• Afternoon tea, from 3 PM until the milk is gone
• Dinner, from 6 PM
• The late snack, which does not exist and has been banned

Who may eat

Cast members may eat first. Crew members may eat second. Directors may eat when they wake. Extras may eat whatever is on the floor.

Prohibited behaviour

Several incidents have occurred which I would like to put on record.

• A cat was seen carrying a whole salmon under the table. He claimed that the salmon was an extra and asked for a credit.
• A second cat was found asleep in the cheese tray. He was moved, but the cheese has not recovered.
• A third cat sat on the table and said nothing. She was there for six hours. She was not eating. She was simply watching others eat, and that is unacceptable.

Special dietary requirements

We accommodate all dietary needs. We offer a fish option, a chicken option, a no fish option, which is chicken, and a vegetarian option, which is the garnish. If you have a different requirement, please submit it in writing.

Clearing up

All plates should be returned to the washing area. Plates should not be licked clean and left. Plates should not be left on the director’s chair. Plates should certainly not be used as a hat.

A final word

A well fed crew is a happy crew. A happy crew makes better films. A better film wins awards. Awards can be eaten if they are made of chocolate. I rest my case, and also my head.

Yours,

Fluffy Coppola

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company, and this memo is entirely invented. The salmon has not been seen since.

My name is Gaffer Gary and I am in charge of light. I have been in charge of light at Furlough Film Studio for four years, and I have been in charge of the sunbeam for longer than that. In this guide I will explain what I know, which is mostly where the sun is.

Principle one: Use the sun

The sun is the best light source ever invented. It is free, it is warm, and it moves in a predictable arc, ending up on the sofa at 2 PM. Many directors ask me to fake the sun with lamps. I say no. I say the sun is already faking itself.

Principle two: Know your window

Our studio window faces south east. This means that the best light arrives in the morning, a good light arrives at noon, and a very dramatic light arrives at 4 PM, when the sofa glows like a loaf of bread. Plan your schedule around these times. If you cannot, plan around your nap.

Principle three: The three point lighting setup

Professional crews use three lights: key, fill and back. We use one sunbeam, one lamp and one spot on the floor. The sunbeam is the key. The lamp is the fill. The spot on the floor is the back, since that is where the cat is.

Equipment list

• One window, large
• One lamp, shaded, positioned so that it is nearly knocked over
• One piece of foil, to bounce light, and to be chased
• One curtain, to control the light, and to be climbed
• One tail, for shadows

Creating mood

Mood comes from contrast. A bright sunbeam against a dark corner makes a cat look mysterious. A cat sitting entirely in shadow looks like a rumour. A cat sitting half in and half out of the light looks as though she has just made an important decision.

Common mistakes

Do not point the lamp directly at the actor. Do not hang the foil above the actor, unless you wish to lose the actor. Do not allow the curtain to swing during the take. Do not allow Gaffer Gary to fall asleep in the shot.

A word of warning

Light changes quickly. A scene that looks perfect at two will look terrible at ten past, when a cloud arrives. If this happens, do not panic. Wait for the cloud to leave. Wait for another. Wait until it is time for dinner.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional production company, and this guide is a parody. Please do not use it to light anything real, particularly a fish.