Tag: catering

Furlough Film Studio’s premiere nights are among the most important events on the calendar. They are also among the least understood, and we receive many questions. Here are the answers.

What time does the premiere begin?

The doors open at 7 PM. The film begins when everyone has found a seat and then moved. In practice, this means 8:40.

Is there a red carpet?

Yes. It is a red blanket laid across the corridor, and it is warm, soft and extremely popular. Arrivals are encouraged to walk down it slowly, kneading as they go. Any guest who sits down on the red carpet will be photographed, and will be the only photograph used.

What should I wear?

Anything. We encourage formal wear, but we also encourage nudity. Fur is perfectly acceptable at all times and is, in fact, the dress code.

Where do I sit?

The seating plan is as follows.

• The front row is reserved for cats who sit close to the screen and then complain about the glare
• The middle rows are for cats who want a good view and a good snooze
• The back row is for cats who intend to leave early
• The sofa at the side is for the director, and for whoever arrived first

Will there be snacks?

There will be snacks. They will be fish, mostly, with a few biscuits for the dogs. There will also be popcorn, which is for throwing.

Can I bring a guest?

You may bring one guest. If your guest is a dog, you must also bring an apology.

How long is the film?

Three hours, forty minutes, with an intermission. There is no interval between the intermission and the nap that follows.

What is the film about?

The film is about a cat on a sofa. It is a story of loss, love, and the slow passage of the sun across a cushion. It is very moving, especially at the end, when the cat moves.

Will there be a Q and A?

Yes, immediately after the screening. The director will answer questions from the audience, in the form of a slow blink. If you have a question, raise a paw. If you have an answer, please do not.

What if I do not like the film?

Please do not tell us. Please tell the critic, Mr. Hiss, who will agree with you.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company. This premiere is imaginary, and you are very welcome to attend.

TO: All cast and crew
FROM: Fluffy Coppola, Producer
RE: The fish table

It has come to my attention that the catering table has been used in ways that were not intended. I am writing to clarify the rules, which are simple, fair and enforced by me.

Hours of service

The fish table will be open at the following times:

• Breakfast, from 5 AM until 5:15 AM
• Second breakfast, from 7 AM until whenever
• Elevenses, which is not a meal but a feeling
• Lunch, from noon until the fish is gone
• Afternoon tea, from 3 PM until the milk is gone
• Dinner, from 6 PM
• The late snack, which does not exist and has been banned

Who may eat

Cast members may eat first. Crew members may eat second. Directors may eat when they wake. Extras may eat whatever is on the floor.

Prohibited behaviour

Several incidents have occurred which I would like to put on record.

• A cat was seen carrying a whole salmon under the table. He claimed that the salmon was an extra and asked for a credit.
• A second cat was found asleep in the cheese tray. He was moved, but the cheese has not recovered.
• A third cat sat on the table and said nothing. She was there for six hours. She was not eating. She was simply watching others eat, and that is unacceptable.

Special dietary requirements

We accommodate all dietary needs. We offer a fish option, a chicken option, a no fish option, which is chicken, and a vegetarian option, which is the garnish. If you have a different requirement, please submit it in writing.

Clearing up

All plates should be returned to the washing area. Plates should not be licked clean and left. Plates should not be left on the director’s chair. Plates should certainly not be used as a hat.

A final word

A well fed crew is a happy crew. A happy crew makes better films. A better film wins awards. Awards can be eaten if they are made of chocolate. I rest my case, and also my head.

Yours,

Fluffy Coppola

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company, and this memo is entirely invented. The salmon has not been seen since.

There is a chair on every film set. It has a canvas back, a folding frame, and the director’s name on it in large letters. At Furlough Film Studio this chair is the most contested object in the building, and it has never once been used by a director.

The history of the chair

The chair arrived in our office on the first day of production, a gift from a supplier who wished us well. Orson Whiskerton, our founder, approached it with great ceremony. He walked around it twice. He sniffed the seat. He climbed in. Within four minutes he was asleep, and a new tradition was born.

Why cats love it

There are several reasons why cats are drawn to the director’s chair.

• It is raised off the floor, offering a view of the entire set
• It is slightly unsteady, which is exciting
• It carries the scent of authority, which is mainly Orson
• It is canvas, which is excellent for kneading
• It has a name on it, and a cat enjoys being mistaken for someone important

The rules

To avoid conflict, we have introduced a set of rules.

1. The chair belongs to whoever is in it
2. A cat that leaves the chair for any reason loses the chair
3. A cat that returns to the chair finds another cat in it
4. This is the director’s fault

Directing from the chair

On the rare occasions when a decision is required, Orson gives his orders from the chair. These are usually delivered in the form of a slow blink, which the crew interprets as “carry on.” Some interpret it as “I have no idea.” Both are valid readings of the situation.

A day in the life

At 6 AM the chair is empty. At 6:05, Gaffer Gary is in it. At 6:30, Fluffy Coppola has pushed him out and taken the seat. At 8, the whole crew is gathered around, waiting for a decision, and the chair holds two cats and a sleeping hat.

What the chair teaches us

The director’s chair teaches us that authority is not a position but a posture. It is the manner in which you sit, the angle of your tail, and the firmness with which you refuse to be moved. By this measure, every cat in the studio is a director, and none of them is making a film.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company. The chair is real, in that it exists in our imagination and sags in the middle.

Every film starts with an idea. Ours began with a cushion. This is the story of how our board came to approve The Long Nap, a three hour epic in which a cat falls asleep on a sofa and wakes up in a slightly different position.

The room

The meeting was held in the Boardroom, which is also the Sofa. Present were our founder and director Orson Whiskerton, a stately tabby with an air of tired genius; producer Fluffy Coppola, a cream Persian who asks few questions and eats the answers; and Gaffer Gary, a black cat in charge of the sunbeam, who attended from the windowsill.

The pitch

Orson began by laying out his vision. “The film opens on a sofa,” he said. “Nothing happens for ten minutes. Then a cat arrives. The cat turns around three times. The cat lies down. We hold on the cat for the next two hours and forty minutes.”

There was a long silence. It was the silence of a room full of professionals who had seen something very similar before and wanted to see it again.

Objections

Fluffy Coppola raised several concerns.

• Would there be a plot? Orson said the plot was the sofa.
• Would there be a villain? Orson said the villain was the vacuum cleaner, which would appear in a single frame near the end and be hissed at.
• Would there be a love story? Orson said the love story was between the cat and the warm patch.
• Would there be a soundtrack? Orson said there would be purring, mixed at seventy decibels.

The vote

The motion to approve was carried by a majority of two to nothing, with one abstention from Gaffer Gary, who had gone to sleep during the second hour of the vote.

Budget

The film was budgeted at twelve tins of fish and a decent cushion. The cushion was eventually supplied by the director himself, who has stated that he will not be paid and will not be moved.

Why we believe in it

The Long Nap is not a story about sleep. It is a story about what happens when we stop trying to do anything at all. We believe audiences everywhere, and especially those of the cat variety, will understand it instinctively.

Furlough Film Studio is a fictional production company shooting entirely from the sofa. No actual films are produced and no actual cushions were harmed in the making of this meeting.