TO: All cast and crew
FROM: Fluffy Coppola, Producer
RE: The fish table
It has come to my attention that the catering table has been used in ways that were not intended. I am writing to clarify the rules, which are simple, fair and enforced by me.
Hours of service
The fish table will be open at the following times:
- Breakfast, from 5 AM until 5:15 AM
- Second breakfast, from 7 AM until whenever
- Elevenses, which is not a meal but a feeling
- Lunch, from noon until the fish is gone
- Afternoon tea, from 3 PM until the milk is gone
- Dinner, from 6 PM
- The late snack, which does not exist and has been banned
Who may eat
Cast members may eat first. Crew members may eat second. Directors may eat when they wake. Extras may eat whatever is on the floor.
Prohibited behaviour
Several incidents have occurred which I would like to put on record.
- A cat was seen carrying a whole salmon under the table. He claimed that the salmon was an extra and asked for a credit.
- A second cat was found asleep in the cheese tray. He was moved, but the cheese has not recovered.
- A third cat sat on the table and said nothing. She was there for six hours. She was not eating. She was simply watching others eat, and that is unacceptable.
Special dietary requirements
We accommodate all dietary needs. We offer a fish option, a chicken option, a no fish option, which is chicken, and a vegetarian option, which is the garnish. If you have a different requirement, please submit it in writing.
Clearing up
All plates should be returned to the washing area. Plates should not be licked clean and left. Plates should not be left on the director’s chair. Plates should certainly not be used as a hat.
A final word
A well fed crew is a happy crew. A happy crew makes better films. A better film wins awards. Awards can be eaten if they are made of chocolate. I rest my case, and also my head.
Yours,
Fluffy Coppola
Furlough Film Studio is a fictional company, and this memo is entirely invented. The salmon has not been seen since.